What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 00:20
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What made you feel satisfied about your life today?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Especially a lifetime of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im still living with it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What is the most gay experience with your dad?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
How do I get over a long-term relationship breakup?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What did i know ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What is the degree of influence of Saudi Wahhabism on the modern Muslim world?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What do you do when you are struggling to fall asleep?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Comes on , in middle age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was scared of men, in general
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My family never makes their pension either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I don,t even have a pension.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Put me off passion for life!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I write beautiful poetry .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
She was in good health!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i lived it daily.
I have no regrets .
Would this be the day?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot live in the past .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ive learnt so much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So, i spoilt her more .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But, we were locked up after school.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My life is so biszare .
All the time i was locked up.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I couldn’t, believe it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were not on the streets..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was seconnd youngest,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She loved him until the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
I think the readers, may guess!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But it wasn’t much.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When she asked me how she looked .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
He knew the spot.
I will be 64.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
She married twice! .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She found it foreign!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We all went to grammer schools
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.